Instead of falling asleep I will be awake until 2, 3, 4, 5, 6am thinking about how I didn’t pass that cup of coffee to that guy properly and it splashed slightly on his sleeves. Instead of falling asleep I will be overthinking the conversation I had with that girl today, and how I could have said this instead of that, and what route our discussion it would have taken instead.
The four walls of my room provides excellent protection from the world, while I am surrounded with all the worries circling my mind at 100mph.
I think about all the ways I could possibly embarrass myself at the important presentation I have to give at 9am tomorrow. Or how I have to attend a party with a friend, where I know no one but them.
Instead of daydreaming I have nightmares during my day, where I worry about every decision I make, the tone of my voice, my body language, their body language. Why did they say that in that manner? Why did they not text me back? What have I done wrong?
Instead of enjoying myself and relaxing at this party, I am stood in the corner of the room hoping my friend will return soon. I think about how I am such a misfit compared to everyone else, how my outfit is completely wrong.
I’ll smile to them, and have a laugh. But inside I just want to hide in my room.
But what exactly is so worrisome for me to be in this endless cycle? Why do I do this to myself when there is nothing wrong?
It just hits me, whenever and wherever, randomly, with no reason. It makes me overthink the tiniest of thing and destroy my mood completely. Everything could be going so well, and I will wonder when the next tragedy will occur.
Why? I wish I knew why.
All I know is that anxiety is eating away inside me.